Welcome back to An Ugly American, where we break down the chaos so you don’t have to. Today’s episode? The never-ending TikTok Ban Saga—or as I like to call it, “Who Wants to Own the Algorithm?”
Trump’s Executive Order: Ban or Bluff?
Once upon a time, President Trump decided that TikTok was a national security risk (translation: the Chinese own it, and that’s a problem). So, he issued an executive order to ban TikTok.
Then, the courts got involved.
• First, it was banned—yay, security!
• Then, it was not banned—yay, free speech!
• Then, we had a 75-day delay—yay, confusion!
• And somewhere in the middle, people started talking about the U.S. government or Elon Musk buying TikTok—because apparently, everything is for sale these days.
So… Who Gets TikTok?
Let’s be real:
• If the U.S. government buys it, expect your For You page to be filled with DMV wait times and tax updates.
• If Elon Musk buys it, you’ll probably have to verify your identity with a Neuralink chip and pay $8/month for premium TikToking.
• If nobody buys it, we’ll just keep playing this game of “Ban It, Don’t Ban It” every election cycle.
The Real Question: What If You Drop TikTok on Your Foot?
Look, we can argue about data privacy, geopolitics, and free speech, but here’s the real issue—what happens if you drop TikTok on your foot?
Well, my friends, you don’t just have a problem. You’ve got “Tic-Tac-Tok.”
Final Thought: Get the Token, Stay Ugly
At the end of the day, whether TikTok stays or goes, one thing’s for sure: we’ll all keep scrolling, one way or another.
Now, while you’re here, go visit An Ugly American, grab the token, and support us. And listen, I’m not just asking for your help.
I’m begging.
Until next time, stay ugly. Stay American.
